Robin Fuller’s story as told by Randi Peck
Robin switched the computer monitor off, and dimmed the lights in the front of the office- just as she had countless other evenings. But unlike the countless other evenings she had closed the Sacramento-based pregnancy center, tonight she had another item on her agenda.
Shortly after shuffling through their stock of pregnancy tests, Robin stared into the face of a “positive” result. In an instant, “crisis pregnancy” took on a whole new meaning.
Robin scarcely remembers a time she didn’t have a boyfriend. At the mere age of three, she distinctly recalls adults at Sunday school “pairing” her with a little boy named Glenn, and commenting on how cute they were together. Though she takes all responsibility for the unhealthy proclivity toward relationships she developed early on, she also acknowledges the power of those words spoken over her: “I needed to have a boy in my life… Something really did enter into me.”
As a teenager and young adult, Robin found herself constantly straddling the line between good girl and rebel, pushing her boundaries only when she was out of the church’s shadow. She was lauded as a role model in her congregation, while secretly taking birth control to give her “consequence-free” liberty outside the home. She wanted to hold the Lord in one hand, and the world in another.
Her inability to do so successfully became very clear, however, shortly into college. Robin had applied to Oral Roberts University, in Oklahoma, largely in an attempt to fulfill her father’s dreams of seeing his children attend a Christian school. But as usual, she got involved in a relationship, and at the beginning of her junior year, found herself unexpectedly pregnant.
Robin informed her boyfriend- who committed to supporting her through whichever route she chose. She called her parents- and shocked them with the news. And then she even notified the school chaplain of her pregnancy… Her university promptly kicked her out. Robin attests, “That’s what most of our Christian schools do. If you break the moral code, you’re out.”
It seemed that all roads were leading to parenthood for Robin. Yet there was one group she had yet to inform of her baby: her church family, back home.
In the next week, rather than taking this final step, Robin chose a different one. She hopped on a bus to California to be with her boyfriend. And in what she can only recall as a blur, she walked into an abortion clinic and ended the life within her.
Looking back, she still doesn’t exactly understand what led her to this drastic decision, but knows that maintaining her reputation at her church played a part: “I didn’t want them to see I wasn’t this good girl image I purported to be.”
As Robin walked away from her abortion, she also made a subconscious decision to walk away from that whole chapter of her life- as if it hadn’t existed. She broke up with her boyfriend. Told her parents she was never pregnant, after all. And continued attending church, with her “hands over her ears” each time abortion was mentioned.
As time went on, Robin fell in love with a different man and got married. She also began working toward a degree for social work. On the surface, her life appeared “together”.
But the effects of the abortion were seeping out. Her marriage quickly fell into turmoil, and she was struggling under the powerful grip of an eating disorder. By now, Robin’s patterns of lying and deception came naturally.
All the while, she was continuing to partition out the parts of her heart- welcoming God to work in some areas, while locking away the deepest darkness. But the Lord was persistent in pursuing her whole heart.
Fast forward three years into her marriage, and one of Robin’s friends- knowing nothing of her “hidden chapter”- approached her with a job opportunity for directing a local pregnancy center. Though Robin understood that her role there would be to provide women with alternatives to abortion and support throughout their parenting, she considered herself “over” her abortion. She took the job.
At the first training session, however, after a video graphically showed the abortion process, it was like a spotlight was placed on those dark places she had tucked away. She sat in her car, afterward, admitting to God, “I thought I was okay. But I’m not.”
This acknowledgment began her long journey of repentance and healing. Counselors from the pregnancy center met with her over the course of this process, helping her work through the shame, guilt, and questions she carried from her abortion.
One day, on Robin’s way home from work, a song came on over her local radio channel. The lyrics were from the perspective of a child in his mother’s womb:
My life is new, I’ll soon be born.
I know it won’t be long.
I feel so safe, secure and warm,
And yet there’s something wrong.
Some would say I’m not a child,
there’s no baby here inside;
but if they felt the things I feel,
They’d know that I’m alive.
There’d be no question in their mind.
I know that I can’t speak to you,
But please still hear my voice.
You may not believe it’s true,
But I deserve a choice.
Even if my Mommy says she really doesn’t care,
Way down deep inside her heart a love for me is there.
I can feel the love that’s there.
Please let me live, I pray,
Don’t take my life away.
I know there’s a better way then throwing me away.
Let me live.
Robin can only speculate that angels must have taken over the wheel, for as she allowed the lyrics to penetrate her, she began to weep uncontrollably. Right then and there, God gifted her with a vision of the child whose heartbeat she had ended.
“He looked at me with love in his eyes that we have no words to describe in our human language, and he said, ‘I love you Mommy. And I forgive you. And I can’t wait to see you someday.’”
This vision broke what was left of Robin’s hardened heart. She knew, in that moment, this was her six-year old, red-headed son: Daniel James.
Seeing Daniel gave Robin a completely new understanding of Christ’s love. As God walked her through her past, so personally and graciously, she realized that she could use her story as a ministry for others.
“But,” Robin pauses, “My story doesn’t end there…”
Robin’s ministry as director over a pregnancy center continued. From the outside, her testimony was a package deal. She could draw from her own experience with an unplanned pregnancy to strengthen the women in crisis around her.
But at home, Robin’s life was far from exemplary. As her marriage continued to fall apart, piece by piece, she made the foolish decision to begin seeing another man.
For a season, she was able to justify, in her mind, her involvement with this man. But it would only be a matter of time before she stood face to face with the gravity of her sin. For as Robin made the gut-wrenching discovery that her affair had resulted in yet another unplanned pregnancy, she knew she stood in the wake of another huge decision.
To be continued…